So guy and I broke up. It was an odd year. A whole year we date, my divorce finally goes through and we break up. I’m not really looking forward to a summer alone, but what the hell ever. It just looks really bare in my house with all of his stuff leaving. I remember when he moved in, I was like, shit, where’s all his stuff going to go?! Now it’s gone.
Not to say I regret any of it. There’s something about a man getting drunk and getting in your face screaming at you. I won’t abide it. And he knew that. Strike three and that’s it. Pack your shit and get out. But still. We have the same sort of smoldering anger, and we’re both explosive when we’re angry. And both alphas, I suppose, so niether one is going to back down when they think they’re right.
Things had been going south for a while, and I suppose these last few weeks have been the deciding factor. I need him to understand where I’m coming from and the issues that I’m facing, and it just seems that he couldn’t do that. I’m not complicated. I just ask for some empathy for the shit I’m going through, like losing a house and all that. I didn’t do as well as I wanted in the divorce, but I just wanted it finished, so I said fuck it.
I don’t know. It’s sort of a sad day, but I’m happy that shits at least happening.
I’ve been gone from here for a while. Nothing really new has been going on. As of Friday, the divorce was finalized. I’m officially unattached. Hooray for me and fuck him.
I’m also in the process of moving seven years of collective crap into a very small storage space. I also have been given like 5 days to move. I’ve started moving and shit, but it’s a lot of stuff. I’m throwing a lot away, but it seems like it’s never ending. And I know I’m going to be tossing out a lot more once I actually get to where I’m going.
Which right now is my mom’s house. Yeah. I’m going to be moving back in with my mom. With three kids. It’s going to be epic. Even more so considering I have to wait until me credit is good enough to get my own place. I fucking hate my life. Nothing against my mom, but there’s a reason I got the fuck out of that house as soon as I could.
My dad and I never got along, even now, late. We can chill and be in the same room and shit, but we’ve never seen eye to eye about anything. He drives me up the fucking wall. And it’s going to be worse now that he’s retired. He’ll be there and awake all the time. There’s going to be no getting away from them, other than work, and even that’s going to be a trial cause they’re going to want me home at a certain time.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not some spoiled ass kid. I just got used to living alone. I hate answering to anyone and I really don’t relish a curfew. It’s a point of contention that guy and I are fighting over right now. When I go out for the night, I go out for the night. I go to the bar and usually close it. He goes out as well, but there’s the difference between he and I. I don’t call him and ask what time he’s going to be home. It’s his night out and I let him have it with no complaints. But when I go out, my phone means Jessica on demand. It’s annoying.
So anyway, again, big FML.
I hate this shit.
Seriously. Tired right down to my bones. I want to write, but I’m too tired.
Caring about everyone and making sure that all their little pieces are in order is just getting to be a lot. I have everyone telling me that I need a change, and I just can’t get excited for it. I don’t need change. I need a fucking nap.
I’m having some issues with depression. I know that’s all it is. I’m sick of living my life for everyone else, leaving nothing there for me. And the change thing is right and great, but some things just can’t be changed. I’ve changed too much already. There’s no fucking room for more change. I want to move on, but to what? People think that I’ll just be able to figure everything out, but it’s not that easy when there’s 3 kids that mean the world to me.
Let’s just say that I have a lot of pent up bullshit in my life. I’m pretty much hating it right now.
I want to sleep.
Just close my fucking eyes and sleep.
So. Lately I have a lot in my life that I really need to think about. I have a lot of decisions that I have to make in a pretty timely maner, and there’s not a lot of options for any of them.
I’m on the cusp of breaking up with Guy. It could go either way. One thing I really can’t stand is a stalker of kinds. Checking up on me, calling when I’m out for an hour or so. Just generally making a nuisance of himself. It’s bothersome. I’ve been fine on my own for all this time, I hope I can manage a damn trip to the grocery store without falling into a ditch. But that’s his reasoning for calling me. To make sure I’m alright. 5 times in the course of a shopping trip. So I asked him if he was nervous about something. I know I’ve had some guys that were douches, but I don’t call him when he goes out to poker night or to the bar with his friends. I leave him alone, cause I know that’s his time away from the house.
I think I liked ot having a cell phone better. I think I’m going to start accidentally leaving it at home when I make a trip to the store.
But all that, tied in with the fact that my boss has been majorly hitting on me has me all spun around. My boss is cool shit. She’s awesome. And there’s so many good reasons why us being together would be so awesome. And then there’s the big fact that I’m total horrible relationship material. I mean, look at right now. I’m getting chastized for not calling! I told her this too. I’ll forget birthdays, numbers, times. I’ll be late or I’ll cancel when you’re counting on me. I’m tied up with my job in the Navy, and my kids. She’ll be shortchanged nearly all the time. But it seems to make her want me more. I don’t get it at all. Let me make this clear now, cause I just read what I wrote. This isn’t my boss from the Navy, it’s my boss from the job I have as a chef.
So it’s fucking crazy.
Then there’s all the little shit. Like trying to find a three bedroom apartment for us to move into if it turns out I can’ keep the house. I don’t know what’s all going on with that. I also have been studying for the Petty Officer’s exam that I have to take on Saturday morning that I’m totally scared I’m going to fail. I’m a wreck right now.
I just need to vent and be done with this test for good. At least until the next one.
So, I’ve entered the world of iPhone he’ll. I got here kicking and fighting and shouting my resistance the whole way, but here I am. I blame the tmobile experience, and their downright shitty customer service.
So, here i sit, on the shuttle home from the airport writing this.
I’m also utterly addicted to FML. Seriously. A lot of them piss me off though. There’s a lot of guys who spend a lot of time getting told they’re gay, but they’re adamant that they’re not. Seriously, get rid of the emo hair and fashionably frayed pants and grandma might not think that anymore. I also have an entire rant about people flaming the fat girl FMLs. I’m a former fat girl, and trust me, sometimes it really fucking sucks.
I’m writing this with a friend in mind. I want to tell him about loss, he and I both know it well. He’s younger than me, but has had the same hardships. He just today lost someone very close to him. This comes nearly back to back with losing his father. I listened to him at work today and just tried to be there for him in case he needed it.
I wanted to tell him so many things, but grief is an odd thing.
I want to tell him to remember everything. All of it. The good, the bad, all the silly things. I want him to know that remembering doesn’t make the pain worse, it keeps you close.
I wanted to tell him that there’s so much more out there. People, experiences, places. The loss is an experience, part of the life you have to live. To appreciate the good, you have to take everything else. Living numb of grief is also denying yourself other emotions.
He had issue with the Karma aspect of our religion. He doesn’t understand why horrible things are happening, and I want to tell him that he didn’t do anything wrong or evil to deserve this. He had the goodness to be his father’s son, and the grace to be close with his friend. Those good times and love can’t be the product of something evil.
I want to tell him that our religion accepts death in all forms. It’s a part of us. Death is insult to no one. The death of someone close has nothing to do with personal karma. People are taken from us, sometimes with no reason. People come and go in this life, but the ones that leave early stay with us the longest.
I most of all want to tell him that while I don’t understand his personal pain, I understand pain.
Instead, I listened to him, cause that’s all I can do for him right now. This is his, his moment.
I love him, and despite the fact that I’m bitter and grrrr all the time, I try to tell him (and all my close friends) everyday. Cause tomorrow’s not a promise.