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Whiskey in a Jar

May 9, 2009
The Shot That Did Me In...

The Shot That Did Me In...

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about someone in the last few days.  Yeah, he’s someone I wrote off from my life, but he’s one of those where you’re always going to wonder what was really going on.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll stick with the decision I made and I don’t regret it.  I just wonder what the hell was going on the whole time we had been talking.

See, this is a guy that gives the ‘just friends’ speeck everytime you talk, but still takes you out and makes you think you’re something more.

Prime example.  We go to the bar as per our usual.  Well, after a while, he drops the idea that we should just get a bottle and head back to my place.  I’m alright with that, like I said, I did like him.  So we go back home and he proceeds to get anihilated drunk.  I matched him shot for shot, me being very shot and him being a large fireman.  Well, that was fine with me, cause it told me that this was either a man that didn’t drink very often or just a guy that couldn’t hold his damned liquor.  So I carry him to bed and we’re laying there, watching the Sopranos, just talking and he drops the L bomb.

Not once, but quite a few times.

I said, please, tell me all that when you’re sober.  You may love the fat that I’m here right now and we have this much in common, but to jump to that, no.  I’ve ascertained the fact that he has serious commitment issues stemming from his nasty divorce, so his behavior doesn’t surprise me all that much.

Why did he have to get drunk and say it?  I’m not looking for love, I’m steering clear from it.  But after that happened, we stopped talking that much, he using the excuse that he was embarrassed about getting that drunk in front of me.  But every once in a while we would be talking about normal shit and he’d just pop out with “These are the times that I really think I could love you.”

Honestly?

Well, I’m not looking to win anyone’s love.  So, he had to go.  I can’t take love that comes with all these strings attached.  Are you still going to love me when you’re sick of me?  Bored?  I change and we have nothing in common?  No, then you can just keep walking.

Now, I don’t mean to come off as bitter, but let me give you an example.  We went downtown for a great sushi lunch and a short tour of the city before heading home, watching a movie, going to dinner with his friends, and then the bar with more of his friends, then the next day, he posts an ad on a dating site.  I get the email from a friend and I was like, well, what the hell kind of bullshit is that?  Looking for something that could be serious?  Not even a day or so after we spend all that time together? 

I never called him out on it, but maybe I should have.  Maybe the next girl he meets he won’t be such a shitbag with.

But I always wonder if he really could have loved me.

Ah, fuck it, I don’t care.

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